SO things have been going pretty well on the rewiring of my brain lately. I’ve found myself having the ability to talk myself down when my negative voice comes back. Simply paying attention to when it happens has been really eye opening (can you say denial) and key to me recognizing when these negative emotions come up.
I weigh myself everyday. I know this is a big no no for a lot of you, but it has been helpful to me for several reasons. One being that if I don’t weigh myself everyday I have a tendency to live in fear of the scale and that is no way to live. And two being that if I look at my weight and it’s fluctuations and attach it to all of the many factors that affect weight fluctuations, I can easily associate it as data and ultimately it has been helpful for me to work on detaching myself emotionally.
With all of that being said, I can’t say that I’m fixed. I still have emotional attachment to my weight (although I have noticed significant progress on that front) and it affects my mood and how I feel about myself. The thing that I’ve noticed most recently has been that when I have these feelings my mind has a new program of action and it’s like all of these beautiful little female warrior women carrying many weapons to slay the negative thoughts. It’s like I’m starting to build a little army of female power that is fighting the bad words I tell myself about my body. And the main thing they shout as they are fighting is “IT’S TEMPORARY!” It’s all going to change so it’s useless to attach myself to these negative feelings.
There are things about my body that I don’t like right now, but I’m happier than I’ve been in months. I am working my ass off in the gym, eating reasonable amounts of foods, I’m less focused on my appearance which was becoming a full time job and was affecting my marriage and friendships significantly, and most importantly I’ve stopped binge eating. Every week eating a balanced amount of foods everyday and not going crazy 1-2 times a week is happening less and less and I’m really proud of that. It has taken a lot of consistent work being honest with myself, making mistakes and admitting them to another person, as well as journaling and a lot of positive self talk. But I’m doing the work and it’s paying off. It was quite an adjustment weighing myself but not hoping the scale would go down, but the more that I do it, the less important the number is and the more I’m teaching myself to actually just take the data for what it is, a pretty mediocre measurement of progress, but an ok way to keep track of health.
All in all I just feel like I’m learning new things that will benefit me for the rest of my life. I’m learning how to eat sensibly without huge dips in deficits and overloads. Maintaining my intake and truly getting used to what that amount of food looks like and how I can live eating that amount has been teaching me a lot. And when I do want to cut some weight I will have the foundation of living and eating in a reasonable way and not the mentality of always trying to be dieting. There is a distinction between losing weight when you are mentally stable and happy because you want to, and doing it because it’s just what you’re supposed to do. Being healthy doesn’t necessarily mean a super low number on the scale. Now is the time for me to learn, and to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes.